Parent alienation is a frequent problem among divorced families. It is a nightmare for the parents that are shunned from their children’s lives. Richard Gardner (2001) identified this incidence as a controversial disorder, which he refers to as parental alienation syndrome. The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a childhood disorder that arises almost exclusively in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the target parent. When true parental abuse and /or neglect are present, the child’s animosity may be justified and so the parental alienation syndrome explanation for the child’s hostility is not applicable.   
     According to Gardner, “the term PAS refers only to the situation in which the parental programming is combined with the child’s own scenarios of disparagement of the vilified parent.” Gardner makes the argument that the child is as much a part of the alienating as the parent is in the brainwashing.” Historically, the brainwashing parent statistically was the mother, as she was the primary care giver. More recently, however Gardner has noticed a rise in the number of men empowered to urge their children against their former wives. An explanation for this shift may be that today, fathers tend to be awarded shared parenting, and spend more time with their children. As children visit with each parent, they tend to lean toward the parent that provides fewer boundaries and rules, less discipline, and more materialist rewards. Fathers are often the greater earners and have the ability to lavish their children with cars, clothing, trips and cash. In a sense, this parent is buying the approval his children. It could be that that parent gains a feeling of self worth by the validation of the child, or empower themselves from the heart break of a bruised ego by getting even with the other parent. In a sense, the insecure parent perceives the child’s love as a victory, winning vs. losing, which is unfortunate because in the end the child is the one to lose.
     The story of parent alienation can have a happy conclusion. I have witnessed the reconciliation of clients with their children because of ongoing counseling, determination and commitment. I believe consistent attempts at communication, such as telephone calls, letter writing, birthday cards and gifts, showing up at curriculum night, school plays and notifying the teachers so that parents are kept abreast of their children’s progress. Alienated parents need to be willing to take risks with their children. The risk is the potential rejection and hurt by the child. It is important for the parent to understand that their child is also suffering by the loss of the relationship and is often confused about the role she is expected to play in the divorce.
     I counsel parents to be patient and remain focused on their intention and purpose, which is to reunite a loving relationship with the child. Recently, a mother whom I had been counseling for almost two years excitedly entered my office with pictures of her newborn grandchild, daughter and herself in a loving embrace. With great courage, she had achieved her goal, to recover her lost family.
     Resources: Gardner, R.A. (2002), Does DSM-IV Have Equivalents for the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) Diagnosis? American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(1):1-21.

     Recommended reading: Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent Child bond from a Vindictive Ex by Richard A. Warshak The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce by Paperback by Elizabeth Thayer Ph.D. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Revised Edition by Abiqail Trafford Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents by Jane Isay